


Looking at you with different eyes

by Be-morbidly-chill (RammBook)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana is only in here for a second sorry ya'll, Based on "Always looking out for me" by otachi, Canon Jewish Character, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Queer Evan Hansen, Sexuality Crisis, Should have probably added that one, excessive use of the word gay, i guess, light cursing, pining!evan, please check it out!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:27:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26515192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RammBook/pseuds/Be-morbidly-chill
Summary: Ever since he had to help Jared home without his glasses, Evan has been battling with some feelings. But not in a gay way, obviously. It doesn't exactly help that Jared is wearing contacts today either.In other words, Evan is struggling with his sexuality, Jared is vibing and Alana is being her usual awesome self.Continuation of "Always looking out for me" by otachi. You don't need to read it to understand this fic, but I recommend you do!
Relationships: Alana Beck & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	Looking at you with different eyes

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [always looking out for me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18747991) by [otachi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/otachi/pseuds/otachi). 



> Okay so, hi!  
> Like mentioned this is a continuation of someone elses fic, so I'd recommend you check out their work first before reading this, but if you can't for some reason here's a summary: 
> 
> Jared breaks his glasses accidentally and has to sit through a lesson without them. After Evan reminds him that he can't drive his car like that, they walk through the crowded hallway, holding hands, only because Jared can't see properly of course. Then they start walking home, listen to some music on the way, all around just having a good time.
> 
> It's beautifully written and inspired me to write this, so please consider leaving a kudos or a comment on their work!
> 
> I didn't add any real physical description, so feel free to imagine whatever Evan and Jared actor you want to :)
> 
> Edit as of 23rd of September 2020: Actually, there is one, that being that Evan is taller than Jared, but I'll make Jared taller next time to balance it out. Sorry ya'll for missing that one. Feel free to ignore that tho, it's not like it's particularly plot relevant!
> 
> Don't hesistate to tell me about any (tagging or other) mistakes I've made so I can fix them!

Evan can't stop thinking about it. It being Jared. It more specifically being him without glasses. 

It had been weird seeing him without them, because his whole face looked different than before, especially because they'd met when he already had glasses. Well, not those glasses exactly, but just glasses in general. Evan doesn't remember many times where he's seen him without them, only glimpses when they were lying in bed or just waking up together after having a sleepover because his mom was working a late shift again. 

That all is to say, Evan hasn't thought a lot about Jared without glasses before.

Jared without glasses is kinda cute though, in a rat type of way. Or wait, is that antisemitic? It probably is, crap. He just meant charming, but not in a conventional way.

So okay, well, maybe not like a rat. But not like a model or some other super attractive person either, because Evan doesn't like guys like that and especially not Jared.

It's just strange because Jared seemed disoriented and unsure of his surroundings, which is weird because he's always been way better at those things than Evan. And he blinked and squinted a lot, that one was kinda adorable.

Except no, no it wasn't, because again, Evan is straight. 

Well. They did hold hands. That's pretty not-straight. Except, he did it so Jared wouldn't trip. He was helping him by guiding him and being a good friend. 

He pointedly doesn't think about Jared grabbing his hand and he doesn't think about how they only let go as they arrived at Jared's house and he also doesn't think about the way he felt as if something was missing when he walked the rest of the way home all by himself.

Evan sighs as he rests his forehead against his locker. Why are even his thoughts jumpy and jerky today? Usually only his words trip him up and he can think about things fine, but today everything's weird and different and _weird_.

"Making out with a locker this early in the year?" A voice behind him asks, making his heart beat faster for a second and he really doesn't have the energy to deal with that right now. "Don't you think that will give the others the wrong idea?" He can _hear_ the shit eating grin combined with the wiggling of two dark eyebrows as well as the confident stance that's relaxed but also not really a slouch as much as he can hear the people behind them talking about how Sabrina Patel kissed Dana P.

"Shut up," he mutters as he turns around anyways and oh. Oh. Jared isn't wearing glasses today either. For a second he allows himself to just look. It looks different. Good different. "What uh, Weren't you supposed to get new glasses? Did they break again?" He hovers closer, unthinkingly and looks around for any possible obstacles, already mulling over the fastest way to get him home. Maybe he can call his mom to drive him, her first break should start soon or maybe they can walk again, but then he'd miss class or maybe-

"Dude, no, they just aren't done yet, how fast do you think they can fix broken lenses and a bent frame? You have to wait for at least a few days, up to two weeks. They gave me contact lenses to use in the meantime, but man, does putting a lense directly in your fucking eye suck." Evan stares into Jareds eyes, to see if there's anything different. There's not, but they are really pretty, how come he's never noticed that before?

Sure, he's seen his eyes before, every time they talk actually, because they are part of his face, but it's not like he was directly looking _at_ them. 

He doesn't really like eye contact and in any case he'd have to look through his, sometimes less than clean, lenses, not at his irises itself, so him being distracted right now is just a natural consequence of all those factors.

Jared clears his throat, sounding uncomfortable and Evan looks to the side, hot shame filling his body. "You can't see them, _obviously_." 

"Oh. Yeah. That makes sense." What doesn't make sense is the way his heart jumps when Jared brushes shoulders with him to get past him to his classroom, as close as usual, but still somewhat different. Jared smells like some sort of fruity hair conditioner and the laundry detergent his family has always been using.

* * *

Evan is kind of glad they don't share their first period today.

He can't concentrate at all, trying to pay attention but failing miserably. He's _trying_ , he truly is, but his mind constantly loops back to yesterday, whether he wants to or not.

How Jared pretended it wasn't a big deal that he wasn't able to see, but how his drawn together eyebrows had made him look worried. How he had forgotten he couldn't drive and how helplessly frustrated he'd seemed when he realized what that meant. How he had looked at Evan like he needed him right then and there when they were pushing past the masses and how much more relaxed his shoulders were when Evan went first. How he'd complained about the bus like he had something to prove and how he'd been walking faster than usual even though he's already slow on a good day.

How he had stopped to pull out earbuds, even though Evan knows he prefers headphones, how he'd told him to be grateful but didn't care if he actually was. How he whistled, without tune and reason except for that he could. How he laughed when Evan tripped him, breathy and joyful and _dumb._

It is dumb, the way his heart painfully squeezes in his chest, the way it beats harder and louder than it should, only overtrumped by the fast rhythm of a panic attack. There are a lot of things his brain notices lately and even more feelings he has about them. Not all of them are about Jared. Just. Some of them are. Because Evan is straight. 

Oh god, maybe he isn't, thinking about your friend for this long can't be straight. But Evan is straight, so it has to be. Right?

He takes out his phone, carefully, quietly, hidden behind his textbook, and opens up the search engine he downloaded because he can indirectly plant trees with it. 

His finger hovers over his keyboard, unsure of what his actual question _is_ , before he types in "straight but boy cute", which is as true as he can be to himself. He opens the first article that seems useful, but even the mention of sex makes his face burn.

He doesn't like Jared like that. He just thinks he looks good without glasses. But also with them. Jared just… looks good. He likes Jared.

_As a friend._

The part about wanting to date makes Evans breath catch, about holding hands, cuddling, _kissing._ There is something forbidden about it, thinking about Jared like that. He knows Jared, has been to his house, has seen his cat, knows his parents. It would be weird. It _is_ weird. He doesn't want to date Jared. He doesn't. He presses the off-button and his phone goes black. He wishes he could press a button on his head so that he blanks out too. Anyways. Focus.

The teacher keeps talking about geography and lakes but his attention slips away after a minute. He thinks about the possibility of him being gay. He can't be, he likes girls. He likes their soft looking hair, he likes their confidence, likes it when they are nice and sweet and Jared is none of those things. He's a guy and he's rough and his insecurities bleed into everything, making him a complete asshole. He's the utter opposite. Evan knows he's straight, because he likes _girls._ Has liked them before, similarly to now. It's not that similar to now, except it is. He doesn't want to think about the implications of that anymore, so Evan tries to listen to the teacher again, but before he can actively understand what she's saying, beyond realising that it is, indeed, english, the bell rings. 

* * *

Funnily enough, their next class is Physics, one of Jared's favorites, although with a substitute and not their usual teacher. This time there is no excuse to talk to or even look at Jared, who's actually taking notes for once. Knowing him, they're not really useful for anyone but him, filled with symbols and abbreviations that make zero sense, but still. 

Evan glances at him as the teacher turns around to write something on the whiteboard. Jared touches his nose with his finger, trying to push up glasses that aren't there, before he shakes his head. He looks almost embarrassed for a second, which is not an expression Evan gets to see from sober Jared a lot anymore. He looks up as if he'd read Evans thoughts and he quickly looks down at his own piece of paper again, pretending to take notes, but only leaving pointless strokes of blue on the paper. Just as a rule, Evan doesn't look at others, tries to avoid it because he himself hates it; he keeps his head down, eyes down, everything _down._

When his periphery tells him that Jared looks down once again, Evan risks another glance. Today is merely an exception of the rule. Just an off day.

Without the frame, something is missing about his face, looks empty in a way he hasn't seen before. He'd say open, but knowing Jared, he'll only guard his emotions more as soon as he becomes aware of it. As the teacher recaps last week's class, Jared puts up an arm, elbow resting on the table, face in hand. He's relaxed, almost bored even. A loose smile makes its way on his face as the teacher says something that could be construed into a shitty joke and probably is in his brain right now. His front teeth show, small dimple appearing in the corner of his mouth.

Evan looks down on his paper again. His face feels warm. Maybe he _is_ gay. Staring at your male friend because you can't look away counts as gay, right? Shit. Is there something between gay and straight? 

He wants to pull out his phone again, but they haven't opened their textbooks yet and using his phone without it would be too risky, even if he isn't sitting in the first row. His leg bounces up and down as he glances at Jared again. Maybe he is a little bit gay, just for him.

* * *

At lunch they sit opposite each other, despite the table offering enough space, lunch trays still in hand when Alana Beck approaches them. Sometimes they eat lunch together, unless she is busy with one extracurricular or another. Evan doesn't mind her presence usually, but for once, he's actively glad she's here, instead of passively enjoying not being alone. Relief fills him as finally something about today is normal and not completely out of the ordinary.

"Hello, Evan," she says and he waves back as she's sitting down with a fair distance between her and them. Not as much as it used to be, but still not as close as if they were friends. Alana has taken to calling them close acquaintances. She turns to Jared next to her, nodding in greeting. "Jare- oh, you are not wearing your glasses. Do you not need them anymore?" 

"Nah, I'm wearing contact lenses," he answers, pointing at his eyes and pulling a face. Evan laughs at the silliness of it and is rewarded by a grin.

"It looks good. Suits you," Alana adds and takes a bite. "Have you seen the new _Kittykats unite_ movie I recommended? No spoilers, but the ending was really breathtaking." Evan didn't, because he completely forgot about it. He didn't think it'd be that important, his mind occupied with different things and thoughts. He's about to answer honestly, when Jared turns to her, eyes lighting up, focus laser sharp on Alana.

"When Catara used Catos Control and Mewlany had to sacrifice her claws and supersuit to save the planet? Holy shit, that was so awesome!" Evan didn't know that Jared was such a fan of Science Fiction, but it makes sense. He's even wearing a shirt with a science pun right now, one Evan never quite got. It has a picture and the words "Particle physics gives me a Hardron" on it and Evan knows Jareds uncle bought it for him as a joke, despite him loving and wearing it unironically. Plus, Evan can remember him owning at least five other shirts with some sort of space theme on it, not counting video games about space. And cats are always a big hit with him anyways. He shakes his head to silence the voice that asks him why he knows all that. Obviously only because they have spent so much time together.

When he tunes in again, they've moved on and he can't even begin to understand what they're saying.

"I read online that it was all a ploy by Barkato to tear them apart, and I think that's brilliant. That you can't tear them apart, that only they themselves choose to keep their distance or close it," Alana explains and he didn't know that a movie with such a dumb title went this deep. She is clearly engaged, her body turned towards Jared, eyes focused on him as he talks, nodding along and interrupting him at points to add her own commentary. Jared mirrors her position, but he takes up more space, moves his whole body even if he just nods, his eyes bright and his voice loud as he gushes about the two characters becoming a couple, even though both of them are female coded, whatever that means. His hair flops up and down and he barely gets a bite down without entering the conversation again, throwing around buzzwords and phrases Evan has only ever heard once in his life, if at all. In short, Evan doesn't get a word he's saying. 

He likes listening to his voice, though, as gay as that sounds. He's chewing on his lunch, just listening. Maybe being gay isn't too bad if he can listen to Jared talk about things he likes. Maybe he'd be okay with being gay. But gay for Jared?

He can't be gay for Jared. He knows his mother doesn't have a problem with gay people, wouldn't have one with him, but what about the rest of Jareds family? What if they find out? What if they hate him for it, because he can't just be a normal friend and has to make everything weird? What if Jared finds out and hates that he's gay for him? What if he's-

"...right, Evan?" They're both staring at him expectantly, effectively pulling him out of his thoughts and he nods, even though he doesn't know what he's agreeing to, blindly because he doesn't want them to know he wasn't listening. Jared reaches out his fist, grinning and Evan bumps it, just like Alana bumps his hand right after, although she's shyer in her approach and stronger in the enforcement. It fills him with joy he can't even attempt to describe.

Maybe he doesn't have to. Maybe it's okay to just live in the moment for now.

* * *

When Evan steps out of the classroom, one of the last people before the teacher to do so, Jared is waiting for him, despite him dragging out every step of the way. He's on his phone, clearly just done typing something, but looks up when he comes closer.

"There you are," he says. "I thought I might need to drag you out of there myself. What took you so long?" 

Evan thinks back to his phone, the website that's still open in his browser, thinks about words like bisexual and pansexual and how he doesn't even know if that's what he is or if he's just pretending like always. He feels off-kilter, as if everything he thought he knew was wrong, like he could always only see blurry shapes but is now wearing glasses and able to see the whole picture clearly and it makes him nauseous. Jared can't know any of that. 

"Oh you know," he answers eventually and trails off as he's scratching his arm. "Stuff." He's trying not to look at Jared, but the following scoff pulls his attention to him anyways. 

"Stuff," he repeats, his face and tone of voice exposing that he doesn't believe him, but is ready to drop it anyways. "Okay." They are standing in the hallway, looking at each other for what feels way too long. Evan doesn't think about it _that_ often, but he's taller than Jared now, even if only by a bit. All his life he's been smaller than Jared, not that he'd ever shut up about it long enough for him to be able to forget it, but now he isn't anymore. It's weird, but it also feels kind of good, like he finally beat him at something that isn't english lit, the only subject Evan consistently is better at. But grades aren't applicable in the real world. Height is. He looks down.

Even Jared's hair looks different today, he notes, less chaotic, more orderly. Freshly brushed. He cringes at his own choice of words and he hasn't even said them. Jared steps closer.

"Are you-" 

"Can we go home now?", Evan rushes out, only slightly stumbling over his words this time, effectively cutting Jared off. Jared who was about to ask a question he doesn't have the answer to, Jared who looked worried even though his face is carefully neutral again, Jared who closes his mouth and is now staring at him with an expression he can't read. "Please?", he adds when Jared takes a minute to react. He draws his eyebrows together, which looks comfortingly similar to usual, in the way he does when he's contemplating saying something for once instead of just blurting it out, except that he can now see every single hair instead of them being hidden behind frames.

"Sure," he answers after a few agonizingly long seconds, hesitant lilt in the way he says it. They're walking towards the car in silence, Jared in front, Evan right after, wishing they could hold hands again, navigating through crowded instead of empty halls, glasses gone and not merely traded for contact lenses. The air is fresh outside and Evan takes a deep breath, trying to calm down even though he should be calm already.

"You were acting weird today," Jared remarks idly as he walks towards the car door, unlocking it, a soft tingle from the rest of his keys the only background noise. Usually they don't talk about those things, so isn't it really Jared who's being weird right now? "Not that I care," he continues, his door still open, even as he's completely sitting down. "I'd just rather not you puke in my car." He unlocks the door from the inside, without waiting for an answer, which says more about him than about Evan, really.

"I'm fine," Evan answers as he opens the door and sits down, sinking into a familiar seat. Their doors close slightly asynchronous, only half of a second apart and Jared starts the car as Evan still hurries to buckle his seatbelt. "Today was just weird," he adds, because he feels like he has to, to fill the weird silence that threatens to devour them whole. 

"Weirder than yesterday?" He's grinning now, small and teasing, actually talking about stuff they had a silent agreement not to. At least he thought they did. Evan's heart thumps a little harder. 

_Was_ it weirder than yesterday?

"No," he replies, fidgeting with his fingers. "Not like yesterday." Yesterday was abnormal, sure, a notch in the usual rhythm, but today it feels like he's been thrown out of it completely, like he isn't even part of the same world he was in yesterday, like everything's changed except for him. "It's different."

"Different weird, but also indescribable weird in a weird way," Jared summarizes, laughing at his own joke, even if it wasn't funny. Evan wonders if he laughs for him more than himself, if he does it to signify its status as a joke or if he really thinks he's the height of comedy. Knowing him, it probably is both. Evan smiles, just the faintest lift of the corners of his mouth, smiles because he feels like it, smiles because it feels good, smiles because he wants to. 

"That wasn't a good joke," he says, instead of any of the other thoughts that are threatening to break out and make him sound fonder than he wants to right now. 

"You know you love it," Jared retorts and luckily doesn't look at Evan right now, who just hums, putting every doubt he has into those two syllables that don't even make a real word, even if he kind of thinks it's true. Jared flips him off, swerving for a second before he catches the steering wheel again.

"Eyes on the road," Evan reprimands, grabbing the handle even though he rationally knows they aren't going to die. "Didn't they teach you that in driving school?"

"My eyes _are_ on the road, thank you very much." They are now and his hands are resting on the steering wheel too, picture of a perfect driver. If only that were true.

"You were flipping me off just a second ago, you ass-"

"I'm sorry, did I flip you off with my eyes?" Jared shoots him a quick glance that looks as playfully angry as usual, but somehow more open, less hidden. It's weird. "What would that even look like? Oh I know, like nothing, because that's not how flipping someone off works!" Evan sputters.

"You are so infuriating, _oh my god-_ " Laughter spills from his lips, even as he's ranting, because this is airy and light and _easy_ like nothing today was and he doesn't want it to stop. So he keeps giggling and it doesn't even matter if he's gay or pan or bi or anything else that isn't straight, because he is having fun in the car with Jared who might not be nice and a girl, but who he likes in a gay way anyways. Maybe he can learn to be okay with that.

**Author's Note:**

> I am still not too happy with the ending so that might change in the future, but besides that I think it's solid. Do tell me what you think down in the comment section though! Except if you want to tell me that opticians don't hand out contact lenses like that, because shush, the non glasses wearer can never know.
> 
> Special thanks to Chris aka [penguinpatrolerarmy](penguinpatrolerarmy/pseuds/penguinpatrolerarmy) for beta reading and helping improve this piece of writing, I really appreciate it! Check out his work as well, he has written great pieces, both DEH and BMC.
> 
> Shoutout to Dev as well, you know what you did!
> 
> Also, of course, shoutout to [otachi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/otachi/pseuds/otachi) (their tumblr is @goldspill, go check them out) for writing the brilliant masterpiece this is based on and as well for being okay with me publishing it on here! Thank you!
> 
> With that, I can only thank you for reading and wish you an amazing day (or night, I'm not judging)!


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